Wednesday, May 25, 2005
| Put the Whipping Stick DOWN! Today has been pretty uneventful so far, which I suppose is a good thing. When you live in my world, there is usually so much drama that while you’re busy bitching about it, you somehow become accustomed TO it. So when things are low key, I’m either waiting anxiously for the shit to hit the fan or bored out of my skull because there is no shit flying around. But of course! Why would I make ANYTHING easy for myself? Today during my therapy session, Sophie fully yelled at me. It was the first time that she has actually opened up and told me to CUT THE SHIT! I was discussing some of the reasons why I haven’t moved forward in my acting career and I suddenly found myself more frustrated than ever with who I am. As I began to tear up, I said (rather loudly) “I HATE MYSELF! I HATE MYSELF! I HATE MYSELF!” Then, without warning, Sophie cuts me off and says “JOE! Take the whipping stick and put it on the ground.” Joe: “But-“ Sophie: “No buts. I don’t expect you to be at the place where you can SEE all of the wonderful things you’ve accomplished, but I can’t allow you to beat yourself up anymore.” Joe: “But-“ Sophie: “Joe…NO buts. The pressure you put on yourself to be perfect is something that we can work with, but if every time you hit a block, you BLAME yourself, that’s not doing anything, but making you even more frustrated.” Joe: (Tears sucking back up into my eyes) “You just yelled at me.” Sophie: “I’m trying to get you to stop criticizing yourself for everything. You work so hard to make sure that your friends, family, and boyfriend are happy. You do more for them than they will ever realize. Don’t slight yourself this wonderful aspect of your personality.” Joe: “Ok. That makes sense. But…can I say ‘but’ now?” Sophie: (Laughing) “Fine. Just this once.” Joe: “I haven’t figured out a way to appreciate anything I’ve accomplished since I’ve been in this city. I can never be happy with any obstacle I’ve crossed. So what if I live in Manhattan. So what if I’ve done some theatre since I’ve been here. So what if I took the first step to get help. None of this matters because there is always something else I have to do.” Sophie: “Joe?” Joe: “Sophie?” Sophie: “You know why it matters?” Joe: (Shakes head “no”) Sophie: “It matters…(pause)… because I can see what you’ve accomplished. And I can honestly say that I’m proud of you. I’m proud of your strength and I’m even more proud of your courage.” I gaped at her for at least fifteen seconds, running her comment over and over in my head. Then I started to cry. Joe: “You’re really proud of me?” Sophie: “VERY proud of you.” And at that moment, some of the baggage that I carried with me to my session fell off my shoulders and landed on the ground. I was able to pull my shit together, take one last look at that baggage, and walk out of her office, leaving some of it behind. Sophie is encouraging me to make decisions in my life that I think will best suit me. I’m way too worried about upsetting my loved ones and I go to great lengths to make sure that never happens. But according to Sophie, my loved ones will “get over it”. It’s not my responsibility to make sure that everyone is happy with me. It’s my responsibility to make sure that I’m happy. One step closer to rediscovering what makes Joe CuttheShit such an amazing person. As I’ve learned over time, how can you expect anyone to love you, if you don’t love yourself? But knowing that and living that are two completely different things. Yet, if only for a minute, I loved Joe CuttheShit. I loved his strength, his honesty, his need to be a healthy and happy guy. And like Sophie, I was proud of myself too. Falling in love with me. Who knew it would be so hard? |
